this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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