I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
