Someone shit on the floor
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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