You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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