i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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