I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
