life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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