How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
