if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
