My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
