We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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