What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
50% drunk capacity currently
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
