Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
