i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
