I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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