The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
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