is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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