im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
