No awkward lesbian experiences without me
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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