Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
