I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
