I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i dont even know how to be here
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Randomize
