I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
