Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
