I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
