Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
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