His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
