yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
