I saw his package. It spoke to me.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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