I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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