Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Randomize
