true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize