i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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