Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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