you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
