mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
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