Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize