I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
