i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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