Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
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