I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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