She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
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