My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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