By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
