Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
