Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
