I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
