***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Randomize
