After last night, I could never be a politician.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
