i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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