it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize
