You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Randomize
