do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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