apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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