We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Just invented taco cereal.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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