I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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