Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
