Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
