I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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