this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
