I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
